A Stupid Song in My Head

A song "Bury Me on Deadwood Mountani" by a group called Big & Rich that has been stuck in my head, just been coming up on random in my playlist the past few days. I like it, but don't get the wrong message by it.


I've been a rambler, all my life
Been a bet it all gambler
Yeah I let it all ride
Never been afraid of losin
Yeah there's been times I've lost it all
But it wont really matter
Someday when I'm gone

You can bury me on Deadwood Mountain
By my brother Wild Bill and sister Calamity Jane
Don't bring me no flowers
Just a six gun smokin
Put me eight feet down
When you bury me
Put me eight feet down
When you bury me

When your heart runs deeper
Then a ghost town gold mine
You just know your bound to find that motherload
You'll spend your last heartbeat chasing after rainbows
No there's no place you won't go
To win one more time

You can bury me on Deadwood Mountain
By my brother Wild Bill and sister Calamity Jane
Don't bring me no flowers
Just a six gun smokin
Put me eight feet down
When you bury me
Put me eight feet down
When you bury me

And cover me a little extra deep
Cause that's the only way
I'm ever gonna rest in peace

You can bury me on Deadwood Mountain
By my brother Wild Bill and sister Calamity Jane
Don't bring me no flowers
Just a six gun smokin
Put me eight feet down
When you bury me
Put me eight feet down
When you bury me

Soon it will be Memorial Day again

What It Means

We served our tour as strangers in the start,

I was thrown in a replacement and unknown.

You all treated me like I had no clue, then it

Was less than a week. My test came and I 

Passed in your eyes, and I had a new home.

You had all been together for years,but in a

Few weeks time it happened. We lost them, 

And they were mine too. The ramp that night 

Is what only those who've been there will ever

Know. They went home but not to their families.

We drove on and finished our tour. More of us 

Were hit and some were wounded. One other 

Would leave us, but there would be no more 

Angel flights. The rest would return safely to 

Your families, and even tried to bring me too.

Another unit to join for a few more months,and

Then I too came home. A year would pass, and 

I would be a casualty without the war. Then the 

News would come that I lost the "Kid." He came 

Home but that fucking war would still claim him.

We'll gather with friends and "family" that day. I

Think a joke that they watch us parade, because

They won't stand in the sun as we remember the

Times we shared and those who aren't having

Beer and cook-outs with their families & friends.

Disappearances

I haven't been around this week, because I have been out of my medicines thanks to my wonderful doctors at the VA. I love you, but right now I have been so toxic the last few days that I am scared of hurting you. My new doctor also got the bright idea to try a new prescription with me adderall? He said it is supposed to help with my focus, and yeah I am thinking he is the world's biggest dumbass. It is used for kids with ADD, but if you look here you will see crazy meds review of it. Just what you need to give someone who doesn't have the ability to sleep without the use of prescription sleeping pills or going till their bodies crashes from exhaustion. Between that and waiting for my refills of my sleeping pills and paxil, I managed to go from late Tuesday night till Saturday evening before my body just collapsed. this is the most coherent I have been in that time. Which really scares me because I don't remember yesterday, I know the boys went with Jennifer on Friday for Mother's Day and I have been on the go all the time since. I just don't know what I did? I also have to look up hypomania which I found is a side effect of Paxil and not being weaned off it along with some other less fun things that I am not going to go there.

I am not sure about anything anymore, and it is scaring me more and more. I know where you have been lately with your own health, and the stupidity I am capable of on my own normally is something you don't need to deal with when I don't have my medicines.

I really do wish I had the magic wand or a time machine. If I could do it over as I see things around me now, I would never have gone to Iraq or not come home...lol...I watch the news everyday and I did it for nothing. People are too stupid to see it, and for what was here at home the cost has never been worth me or the kid. In 4 more weeks it will be 4 years, and why did we all do it?

I had someone tell me the other day when I went out to the store as I stopped at one of my local haunts that they were tired of hearing about servicemen. I just sat and listened as they said there is nothing special about them that they are just normal people. I exploded then and told them that yeah we are normal, but we are the ones who shed our fucking blood and suffer the injuries and do the dying that they won't stand up and fucking do. I told them we are less than 1% of the population that have the courage to do what they won't do, and yet they still insult us or tell us we are cruel or inhuman for the things we have done.

They don't understand the price we pay for them. They don't see the kid that I loved or all the others, the things they gave up and never got to have. Not to mention the ones who loved them that pay that price every day remembering them, and learning to carry on with their lives without them.