Some dreams come and go. This
Was the dream that lasted us thru
The years. It was our dream and
Now the dream is gone. I feel like
I have lost a part of myself now.

I don't know what to do without
That inside me. I feel hollow and
Empty, and I know I can keep on
Going on. I just don't know if it is
Worth going on or if I want to.

I've lost so much thru  the years,
But to lose this too? At some point
It just becomes too much, and I
Can only take so much. This is
Getting really close to that point.

I sit here wondering what I have
Left to hold on to? Being a soldier?
Gone. My kids? Grown up. My
Health? Wrecked. My marriage
And the dream? Destroyed by me.

One thing left to hold on to. Will I
Hold on a day, month, year or
Decade before I let go? I know I
Eventually will. When I do at least
Then I know the hurting stops .

TWENTY TWO A DAY

I felt the coldness of the steel
Pressed underneath my chin.
It sent a shiver through me, and
I felt a sudden calm and clarity.
It all made sense in that moment.

I was so close just about four and
A half pounds of pressure was all
It would take. No more worries, no
More stress, no more pain and no
More problems to bother me again.

My finger touched the trigger, and
I felt it calm me even more. Before
My brain could fire the synapse that
Would end it, it lowered the gun and
I started to shake and then I bawled.

I realized then how deceptive that the
Calm had been. I knew then how I had
Lost friends I had loved. I forgave them,
And thanked God for saving me from
Doing that to my family and friends.

For all the Veterans who reach that point.
Don't give into that calm, it is fucking lying
To you. It is not the answer, and no solution.
You are just going to leave a world of hurt
Behind for those who'll miss and love you.