I'm just worn out, and I'm not sure what to do anymore. Part of me is screaming to give up because no one should have to live like this. I just don't want to deal with the mental health, the GI problems and migraines.

It seems like every new medicine they try works for a while, and then things just get worse and worse. Now I can't help wondering if the serotonin syndrome has been the problem all long and the cause of the GI troubles.

The idea that this could be the cause of the diarrhea, nausea and vomiting along with the lack of appetite and the craving for protein.

There's days that I'm struggling and I'm just about out of strength to keep struggling. At the same time I just want to sleep and try getting through this and raising hell to get help with it.

I want to be with my wife and enjoy my family. The only thing I am is angry and toxic and I don't want to be, and I'm trying with every fiber of my being not to be that way. It's not the life I want or I deserve and my wife certainly doesn't deserve to go through this nor Rowan either.

I just want to be me, and to enjoy my life. I'm not asking to be without pain or life's troubles I just want a break

I never should have made it this
Far. I don't know why I've kept
Going, it just adds more problems
The longer I go on. I think of those
Who quit, and I understand why...

The PTSD and TBI were the start
Of it all. The migraines and the
Nightmares were the first troubles.
Sleepless nights and days filled with
Agonizing pain were the life I knew.

Then was my heart, and the doctor
Who said I was fine. Then to find
Out that I was literally on the edge
Of dying. God cursed me and kept
Me alive to fix it so life could go on.

Pancreatitis was next and a year of
Miserable pain spending half of every
Month in hospital. Drugged out of my
Mind to be able to deal with the pain
Surgery sort of fixed it but not really.

Then came the chronic pancreatitis and
EPI. Finding out I would need to take the
Enzymes because it was too long and the
Damage was permanent. Back to being
In and out of hospital every few months.

During this time, I lost my soul to the oxy
And morphine that I needed to survive.
I became a shell of a person, and just existed
Day by day. I didn't even comprehend what
Was happening while everyone else saw it.

Finally, has come the diabetes and all that it
Gives me to look forward to. Losing my toes
Or foot, maybe a leg up to the knee? Fuck it,
I don't want to keep going this way anymore.
I give up, I've fought my fight and I've lost.

It's time to cease the struggle, because that's
All my existence is. I ran out of strength and
I don't want to struggle any more. It's time to
Surrender and be done. I'm sorry for those I
Leave behind. I wish this wouldn't hurt you.

Good-bye my friends

FACES IN THE DARK

I see your faces most nights in 

My dreams. You won't ever be

Forgotten, and I'm not the only

One. Your families, friends and 

All who served feel your loss.

I face those demons, and I have 

Been so close as well. I tell others

To call, but I didn't either. I just

Managed to bring myself back 

From the edge. I was just lucky.

Remember, if you read this that 

There are people who love and 

Care for you. Don't ever believe 

That you're bothering us, it's 

That Demon and he is a liar.

If it's four a.m., then call, and we 

Can go get breakfast. I'll stay

Up all night, whatever you need.

The oath we swore had a hidden 

one that made us Brothers for life.

I know if I need it you will do it

For me. Just call me, and let me 

Do it for you. I'll take a sleepless

Night over not having you around.

If you're reading this it applies t you.

I don't know what's happening to me. I used to think I was normal, but everyday I am like Jekyll and Hyde. Most everyone sees me as a nice guy, but my wife knows the monster that lurks inside. She knows the fear that he invokes, and the terror that he instills. He isn't one to hurt physically, all his wounds are hidden on the psyche. He belittles, berates and abuses; and God help her if she tries to reason or to argues with him.

She calls him "Soldier Guy", and he is a perfect one. His only goal is to destroy anything that is in his path, and if he finds a weakness then you can be sure that he will use it against you. I never remember him being a part of me until about 4 years ago, but maybe he was part of the professional soldier in me. After I retired maybe he got locked away until he decided that he wanted back out to cause more mischief, mayhem and destruction.

Nightmares

The nightmares started long
Ago. It seemed like I had just
Arrived in Iraq. They became 
A part of daily life, I kept them 
Secret so no one would know.

Coming home, they got worse.
Two weeks later, and Parrish 
Would be lost. He joined the 
Dreams, "why was it me and
Not you?" All he ever asked.

Two years later, Rowan took
His life and he would join in
Dreams. When I was barely 
Hanging on, he would come
And tell me he'd found peace.

Now the nightmares are of
My son Andrew, and I see 
Him in what I went through.
The idea he might face the
Same and worse my fear.

LOSING THE FIGHT

There comes a time when our
Strength runs out. You can battle
And fight through it for so long,
When the battle becomes too
Much to continue to struggle.

My strength is gone, and I just
Don't have anymore left inside
Me. It is time for me to give up
And I just don't want to fight.
I decided it's time to quit, now.

Ten years, I have struggled in
Dealing with PTSD And TBI. It
Was almost two years ago, that
Pancreatitis was added to the
Mix. I've still kept fighting on.

Then I came to get help for my
PTSD, and found I would have
To fight to stay to get help. They
Keep saying go home, and come
Back when my health's better.

Next, it took one nurse to cause
A shit storm. Ever since I've lived
Back in the constant pain that I
Thought I left behind. So much
For the help I was looking for.

Now it is time to quit, because I
Don't have the strength in me to
Keep fighting. Where I go from
Here? Who cares? I'm just going
To quit, the rest doesn't matter.

Fear of a New Beginning

Soon it begins again, the
Dread is inside of me, and 
I wonder if I'm opening 
Pandora's Box this time. Will 
It be the one that breaks me?

I think of the old song, but
For me "I lost parts of my 
Body and parts of my mind. 
It was written for Vietnam 
Vets, but still applies for ours.

It has been 11 years since I 
Locked up this box. I never 
Wanted to open it again, but
I have to. The demons inside 
Are screaming to be loosed.

I, also, have to deal with Ro
And with LeRoy and feelings
Of guilt that both of them still
Hold over me. It may not be 
Logical to others, it is for me.

I know I'm in the place where 
I can deal with these things in
The safest and best way. I am 
Surrounded by vets, counselors 
and staff who'll help if I need it.

There will be days it will break 
Me down, but I know that I have 
The support all around me when
I need it. Just as I will do it for my
Brothers and sisters in time of need.