I never should have made it this
Far. I don't know why I've kept
Going, it just adds more problems
The longer I go on. I think of those
Who quit, and I understand why...

The PTSD and TBI were the start
Of it all. The migraines and the
Nightmares were the first troubles.
Sleepless nights and days filled with
Agonizing pain were the life I knew.

Then was my heart, and the doctor
Who said I was fine. Then to find
Out that I was literally on the edge
Of dying. God cursed me and kept
Me alive to fix it so life could go on.

Pancreatitis was next and a year of
Miserable pain spending half of every
Month in hospital. Drugged out of my
Mind to be able to deal with the pain
Surgery sort of fixed it but not really.

Then came the chronic pancreatitis and
EPI. Finding out I would need to take the
Enzymes because it was too long and the
Damage was permanent. Back to being
In and out of hospital every few months.

During this time, I lost my soul to the oxy
And morphine that I needed to survive.
I became a shell of a person, and just existed
Day by day. I didn't even comprehend what
Was happening while everyone else saw it.

Finally, has come the diabetes and all that it
Gives me to look forward to. Losing my toes
Or foot, maybe a leg up to the knee? Fuck it,
I don't want to keep going this way anymore.
I give up, I've fought my fight and I've lost.

It's time to cease the struggle, because that's
All my existence is. I ran out of strength and
I don't want to struggle any more. It's time to
Surrender and be done. I'm sorry for those I
Leave behind. I wish this wouldn't hurt you.

Good-bye my friends