Something to get out

There are some people that I used to think of as family, and they are severely disappointing me right now. I have spent years with them and consider them my brothers, and as they prepare to go in harms way they are trying to break an oath they made. They swore to a creed and to live by certain values. I will be the first to admit that I am a hypocrite and did not live those values personally. I never broke them professionally, and I loathe and detest those that do. I entrusted you with my family and friends that I love like brothers, and would replace you in a minute to ensure their safety. I shed my blood, I was privileged to serve with true heroes and you pitiful, disgraceful fucks want to stay home and collect a paycheck and wear that same uniform. Remember these words and what you swore to do:

I am an American Soldier.

I am a Warrior and a member of a team.

I serve the people of the United States, and live the Army Values.

I will always place the mission first.

I will never accept defeat.

I will never quit.

I will never leave a fallen comrade.

I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills.

I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.

I am an expert and I am a professional.

I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy, the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.

I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.

I am an American Soldier.

Past mistakes and new regrets

I used to think that I could never make any more horrendous mistakes or pay any price worse than that which I already have. The dream that I once lived for is now a nightmare that haunts me, because my mind won't let go of it. Even though I made the choice to give it up in several ways while I was in Iraq. For all that I thrived on my time there, and being who I was; I gave into my fears in two ways one scarier than the other. The first was that I never took the chance and went to you as every part of me said I should out of fear of what would happen when you saw me arrive on your door step. Would it be joy or revulsion? I never had the courage to take that chance. My cowardice to do so meant I got to leave Iraq a little earlier than I otherwise would have. It was something I never expected to do at that time to quote from a character you introduced me too "my greatest fear was to die old and in bed." After I came home, I read of a friend's death and I still wonder if I had been there could I have prevented it or would it have been me? Since then I lost someone else that was there with me, and I will wonder why the rest of my days. I miss you my friend you were like a brother to me.

I came home but paid my own price. The headaches and everything else are maddening in their own right but I could care less right now. I have lost touch with my best friend in the world, and done untold damage. I would rather have stayed and not come home, as everything sinks in now.

I wish I could give up on myself but I would screw that up...lol...I am too stupid or stubborn and right now I need a fight. I need the pain that comes from battle or the fight, and to release the demons.

I wish I could get out the rest of the words right now, but my head is not cooperating. As much as I want pain, the kind I have right now is the kind only medicine fixes.

These days

I have prepared for war since
Since I was a boy. I joined the
Army at 17 and since then it was
What defined who I am and has
Helped to make who I am today.

Instead of rifles and bombs; my
Battles are now fought with texts
And in a classroom. It is a whole new
Battlefield, and scarier than those
That I have faced in the past.

I could always rely on strength,
Bravado, and sheer strength of
Will before. Now it is not enough.
The scars of battle now take
Their toll and what do I do?

I survived an enemy that
Intended to kill me and my
Friends. Now, I can't learn
How to work a fu*%^$#
Calculator. What happened?

I felt fear before battle, but
Never like this. A classroom
Winning over me? What part
Of me did I lose and will it
Ever be like it was for me, again?