Past mistakes and new regrets

I used to think that I could never make any more horrendous mistakes or pay any price worse than that which I already have. The dream that I once lived for is now a nightmare that haunts me, because my mind won't let go of it. Even though I made the choice to give it up in several ways while I was in Iraq. For all that I thrived on my time there, and being who I was; I gave into my fears in two ways one scarier than the other. The first was that I never took the chance and went to you as every part of me said I should out of fear of what would happen when you saw me arrive on your door step. Would it be joy or revulsion? I never had the courage to take that chance. My cowardice to do so meant I got to leave Iraq a little earlier than I otherwise would have. It was something I never expected to do at that time to quote from a character you introduced me too "my greatest fear was to die old and in bed." After I came home, I read of a friend's death and I still wonder if I had been there could I have prevented it or would it have been me? Since then I lost someone else that was there with me, and I will wonder why the rest of my days. I miss you my friend you were like a brother to me.

I came home but paid my own price. The headaches and everything else are maddening in their own right but I could care less right now. I have lost touch with my best friend in the world, and done untold damage. I would rather have stayed and not come home, as everything sinks in now.

I wish I could give up on myself but I would screw that up...lol...I am too stupid or stubborn and right now I need a fight. I need the pain that comes from battle or the fight, and to release the demons.

I wish I could get out the rest of the words right now, but my head is not cooperating. As much as I want pain, the kind I have right now is the kind only medicine fixes.