Something to get out

There are some people that I used to think of as family, and they are severely disappointing me right now. I have spent years with them and consider them my brothers, and as they prepare to go in harms way they are trying to break an oath they made. They swore to a creed and to live by certain values. I will be the first to admit that I am a hypocrite and did not live those values personally. I never broke them professionally, and I loathe and detest those that do. I entrusted you with my family and friends that I love like brothers, and would replace you in a minute to ensure their safety. I shed my blood, I was privileged to serve with true heroes and you pitiful, disgraceful fucks want to stay home and collect a paycheck and wear that same uniform. Remember these words and what you swore to do:

I am an American Soldier.

I am a Warrior and a member of a team.

I serve the people of the United States, and live the Army Values.

I will always place the mission first.

I will never accept defeat.

I will never quit.

I will never leave a fallen comrade.

I am disciplined, physically and mentally tough, trained and proficient in my warrior tasks and drills.

I always maintain my arms, my equipment and myself.

I am an expert and I am a professional.

I stand ready to deploy, engage, and destroy, the enemies of the United States of America in close combat.

I am a guardian of freedom and the American way of life.

I am an American Soldier.

Past mistakes and new regrets

I used to think that I could never make any more horrendous mistakes or pay any price worse than that which I already have. The dream that I once lived for is now a nightmare that haunts me, because my mind won't let go of it. Even though I made the choice to give it up in several ways while I was in Iraq. For all that I thrived on my time there, and being who I was; I gave into my fears in two ways one scarier than the other. The first was that I never took the chance and went to you as every part of me said I should out of fear of what would happen when you saw me arrive on your door step. Would it be joy or revulsion? I never had the courage to take that chance. My cowardice to do so meant I got to leave Iraq a little earlier than I otherwise would have. It was something I never expected to do at that time to quote from a character you introduced me too "my greatest fear was to die old and in bed." After I came home, I read of a friend's death and I still wonder if I had been there could I have prevented it or would it have been me? Since then I lost someone else that was there with me, and I will wonder why the rest of my days. I miss you my friend you were like a brother to me.

I came home but paid my own price. The headaches and everything else are maddening in their own right but I could care less right now. I have lost touch with my best friend in the world, and done untold damage. I would rather have stayed and not come home, as everything sinks in now.

I wish I could give up on myself but I would screw that up...lol...I am too stupid or stubborn and right now I need a fight. I need the pain that comes from battle or the fight, and to release the demons.

I wish I could get out the rest of the words right now, but my head is not cooperating. As much as I want pain, the kind I have right now is the kind only medicine fixes.

These days

I have prepared for war since
Since I was a boy. I joined the
Army at 17 and since then it was
What defined who I am and has
Helped to make who I am today.

Instead of rifles and bombs; my
Battles are now fought with texts
And in a classroom. It is a whole new
Battlefield, and scarier than those
That I have faced in the past.

I could always rely on strength,
Bravado, and sheer strength of
Will before. Now it is not enough.
The scars of battle now take
Their toll and what do I do?

I survived an enemy that
Intended to kill me and my
Friends. Now, I can't learn
How to work a fu*%^$#
Calculator. What happened?

I felt fear before battle, but
Never like this. A classroom
Winning over me? What part
Of me did I lose and will it
Ever be like it was for me, again?

Stupid criminal tricks

Ok, now I have not gone to law school, but I am taking Constitutional law for college. Therefore, I follow new Supreme Court decisions in the news. Now, today they ruled that if the police question a suspect the part of the miranda warning about lawyer being present expires after 14 days. Now, as a reasonable human being with a tiny bit of common sense this decision is one that makes sense and in the case before the Court made extreme sense.

When you have a scumbag that was questioned with his attorney present, and then released it would seem he should have his lawyer present when questioned again, right? Ok, well, the said scumbag is questioned about the said crime 2 and a half years later, while in prison on another charge. Now, this individual obviously has some familiarity with the legal system and his rights to legal counsel. There are still bonehead judges that were willing to let this guy go, saying that even though time had passed it didn't make his original right to a request for a lawyer any less valid. When it has been almost three years and you are in prison for another crime, the confession and conviction should stand based on the facts of stupidity alone...lol

Hypocritical thinking?

I keep thinking and finding myself wondering about something. I was a soldier from the time was a boy, because when I first donned my uniform I was just a kid. I grew up quickly afterward, but I was when I first put on my soldier suit. It became part of me and has defined me forever within myself and those who know me.

Today, I say good-bye to someone I love as he returns again to another tour. For our family this makes 3 tours in the war on terror, and one of us disabled.

People ask me was it worth it, and would you do it again? I reply without a second thought that yes it was and no matter what some would have people believe that it was the right thing. It was easy to put myself in harms way, but as I watch family and friends depart I wonder at the cost.

I know what I go through each day, and I know that I can consider myself one of the lucky ones vs. the alternatives. I wish I could protect them all from that, and just hope they all come home safe.

Soon you will leave me but
Only for a year. I hope and
Pray that is true, and you'll
Just spend a boring year in
A shithole FOB and whine.

I say this and laugh, because
I would have made fun of you
For that years ago. I know now
That excitement and action
Are not the answer for all.

I know that we are different
And the jobs we do are as well
You have good soldiers with you
But they are not Tommy, Ro
SFC Mann or SSG Sharpe.

Keep your head down
and your powder dry
IED's are not as much as
I have joked. Take care of
your fellow troopers.

I know that their wive's
Parents and loved ones have
put them in good hands. So
Take care of them and all
Of you come home to us safe.

"Saint Michael the Archangel,
defend us in battle;
be our protection"

I know you are all in good hands, take care of each other.

Thinking

I hunted my prey by night,
And the good ones waited
Ready. I laughed back then
It was a game to see which
Of us was really the best.

The ones we caught when
They let their guard down,
I made fun of as losers. I
Would see some of them
One more time, usually.

Later, I would learn that
The joke was on me. I would
Get home, and learn the game
Had a price. I paid in full, and now
I watch as more get ready to go.

You are my brother and my brothers,
I love everyone of you and
Wish that I could replace you.
Some of you know what I mean
And will guard the rest.

I wish that I had the courage,
To read this before you all.
I don't want heroes or medals
from you all. I just want you
To come home to us safe.

Eco-terrorists

I was glee-fully happy to read today that those wonderful morons at Sea Shepherd had a problem with their newest toy. The whole story is here, and please do not think that I condone whaling. I condone the actions of these morons even less though. After seeing my children watch an episode of their show Whale Wars on Animal Planet; it greatly disturbed me that the Animal Planet put this on because all it does is shows children that if you don't agree with something then vandalism and endangering the lives of others is fine.

I find it highly amusing that there new toy is sinking, and I only hope that it begins to sink faster. I wonder, also, if anyone has noticed that they are using laser weapons that can cause blindness in their attacks?

How to say you're sorry?

I have been trying and trying for days to put together the words to explain to someone that I love how I feel about her. I have done her many wrongs in the past, and a while back I tried doing what I thought was the right thing by distancing myself from her. I thought maybe that would help us both to get on with things, but instead I have made her think I don't want her in my life at all.

It seems like all I ever say is I am sorry to her. In all honesty, I don't know why she has ever kept speaking to me. At the same time, I know that I owe my life to her in a most literal sense.

In a life of decisions that I mostly regret, the things I have done and the way I have treated her will always be there. She will never be one of them though, and is among the few things I am truly thankful for.

I love you, my dear. Merry Christmas.

The Sucksit Square Home Owners Association

Somebody needs their butt kicked and hard enough to make them have to do a headstand to take a crap. I thought I had seen just about every scumbag left-wing unpatriotic thing that could be done but this sets a new low.

How dare some homeowners association threaten a man who served our nation through 3 wars and won our highest decoration the Congressional Medal of Honor, which the idiot reporter did not even refer to properly. The man is 90 years old, and devoted his life to serving our nation. Unlike his fellow homeowners that flagpole and the flag he flies means something to him. He has fought for it and shed his blood for it; he has killed and he has lost those he considered friends and brothers for that flag.

To Colonel Barfoot, thank you for your service, Sir. Unlike your neighbors some of us do appreciate your service and what the flag means to you.

Coping

The last couple of weeks have not been good ones for me. After a close friend losing his daughter to an auto accident; two weeks ago Friday starting off the curse it has stayed bad from there. She was only 29 and a veteran of Iraq as well, and to lose her so suddenly had everyone dumbstruck to say the least. Then to have my mom go in for her knee replacement surgery on Monday, and trying to cope with constantly changing weather that has me in fits.

Trying to survive with having the boys here and being at school myself is way more than I ever thought it would be. I am beginning to wonder how the hell I ever used to do it? With headaches thrown in and the 5 year old version of satan to boot, Buffalo would almost be a restful change of pace. I had to use my cane at school last week, and it hurt me more than anything else has.

Monday was the final destruction of the old me, I registered with the student disability services office. I missed classes last Thursday and Friday, because imitrex was my last resort both days. One of my professors has been giving me a hard time since it wasn't official with the school, and now it is. I hate it too, because now i have to have meetings with all my professors and the head of student services so that they can go over Dr. F's notes and decide how they can best help my needs. So much for what was left of the old me.

What the true heroes are made of

I found these accounts of the battle for COP (Combat OutPost) Keating today, and I have to post the links to them and hopefully as many as possibly will read the stories of these brave men as possible. The first link is to Maggie's Notebook: and details some of the story as well as the relief fund that has been established to help replace the physical goods that these men have lost. The must read though is SGT Daddy's story, and everyone who has been there needs to thank him for sharing his story and for sharing it with all of us so soon after the battle. I know it can't have been easy for him to do so, and thank you. Some of us do know and appreciate what you're doing, so please stay safe and know that you in are in our prayers.

Heroes

I did not know you, and yet
You were my brothers. I
First heard your names only
A couple of days ago. I
know you’re in God’s hands.

I won’t mourn you’re passing,
Instead I am thankful. Thankful
That men such as you have
Lived, and proud to serve in
The same Army that you did.

You’re sacrifice was the ultimate
For a country and a people
That weren’t your own. I only
Hope they know someday the
Price you paid for them.

Know that you are remembered
And that we will not forget you.
You are one of us, and always
Will be. Our thoughts and prayers
Are with your family and friends.

What Did They Do?

I read the news and rage fills me with
The news that 8 of my brothers have
Died. They don't stay in the news for
long, we all need to know that David
Letterman is cheating on his wife.

That he is a douchebag and can't keep
his zipper closed is news? Maybe to his
Wife, but why the hell do I care? We have
Lost 8 examples of what real men are and
He is what is left what a deal we got there.

Can somebody try cloning Patton? There
Is a shitload of slapping to be done and we
Might better get some bullets for his six-gun
Too. What happened too when we had real
Heroes to look up to and not made for TV kinds?

The Golden Casket of Petty Officer Monsoor shows
Just the sort of hero we need. Do you know who
he is Though? That gold was forged in the hearts
Of men who are iron, and the cost is paid with their
devotion and blood that others will never have too.

For me I will always carry them in my heart and
In my thoughts. I have had the privilege of having
served with some of them, and known many more.
I love them all and will always do whatever I can,
Stay safe my brothers, and sleep sound tonight.

A youtube tribute to PO Monsoor that all should see

Fox news story about PO Monsoor a true hero

Surviving

Getting through tomorrow is my only goal right now. I have been keeping up in all my classes except for math, and I have to see the math center today before I go see Joanne for that. English is taken care of but I still love writing no matter what kind it is.

What is really funny is that I can just crank out writing about anything with just a little bit of time. It is always going to be one of my favorite activities of all times though.

Actors are dumbasses

I don't care what anyone says, but most of hollywood has their head squarely up their fourth point of contact. Roman Polanski has been on the run from US law for 32 years for drugging and raping a 13 year old girl, and a bunch of actors and directors want him to be forgiven for his film credits? I think they all need their butts kicked back into reality; he is a rapist and child molester. That means he is a felon that has been fleeing justice for 32 years, and should be in the iron bar motel. Where if there is an Almighty Being that provides justice he will be on the receiving end of what he did to that poor girl and I hope and pray that the person who does it to him is about 350 pounds and as loving and tender with him as a pack of hyenas on a fresh kill.

I don't care what movies you made or what awards you were going to receive Polanski. YOU ARE A SCUMBAG AND I HOPE THAT YOU ROT IN JAIL FOR WHAT YOU DID!!!

Reporters deserve anything they get

I do not care what anyone says about freedom of the press but the media has gone too far this time. The reason I am so angry is here. Those rat b***ards have no respect or an ounce of compassion in them. No matter what people say the media is one of the military's biggest enemies and embedded journalists should not be allowed any longer after the AP story of Lance Corporal Bernard and the photos of him that his parents asked not be published. This young man gave his life for our country and the AP uses photographs of his death to help them sell more copies.

It was bad enough when families had the morons of the Westboro Baptist Church invading their time of mourning with their protests. This goes beyond that though. First, the AP showed his parents some of the last images of their child's life and were asked not to publish them in respect to their son. They disregarded their wishes and printed them anyway. Even when the SecDef Robert Gates asked them to show some form of human decency out of respect for the family and this young man he was ignored by the AP.

I know I will say a prayer tonight for Lance Corporal Bernard and his family that they find some solace. I will also say a prayer for all our servicemembers out there in harm's way. All you b***ard's and b***hes that are embedded with them, I hope the next round is on you and you deserve anything that happens to you on the battlefield.

Kudos Mr. Rudd

I can not claim credit for this speech as it is my Americanized version of a speech given by Australian PM Kevin Rudd that has angered many people. My feelings of my version are that I served this country's military and I have bled for it, and for the rights of those I disagreed with to say what they want. Guess what now it is my turn, and now if only we had a leader that had balls to step up and say this:

"IMMIGRANTS, NOT AMERICANS, MUST ADAPT. Take it or
leave it. I am tired of this nation worrying about whether we
are offending some individual or their culture. Since the terrorist
attacks on September 11, 2001, we have experienced a surge in
patriotism by the majority of Americans."

"This culture has been developed over two centuries of struggles,
trials and victories by millions of men and women who
have sought freedom."

"We speak mainly ENGLISH, not Spanish, Lebanese, Arabic, Chinese,
Japanese, Russian, or any other language. Therefore, if you wish to
become part of our society, learn the language!"

"Most Americans believe in God. This is not some Christian,
right wing, political push, but a fact, because Christian men and
women, on Christian principles, founded this nation, and this is clearly
documented. It is certainly appropriate to display it on the walls of our
schools. If God offends you, then I suggest you consider another part
of the world as your new home, because God is part of our culture."

"We will accept your beliefs, and will not question why. All we
ask is that you accept ours, and live in harmony and peaceful
enjoyment with us."

"This is OUR COUNTRY, OUR LAND, and OUR LIFESTYLE, and
we will allow you every opportunity to enjoy all this. But once you are
done complaining, whining, and griping about our Flag, our Pledge, our
Christian beliefs, or our way of life, I highly encourage you take advantage of
one other great American freedom, THE RIGHT TO LEAVE."

"If you aren't happy here then LEAVE. We didn't force
you to come here. You asked to be here. So accept the country YOU
accepted."

Loving and Losing

I looked back on the last post before my two recent, and I was thinking of the time when it was written and who it was written for. I was in love with the most wonderful woman in the world at the time. Even though she is an Australian and I an American, we maintained our relationship for more than two years up until the spring of 2006 when I was in Iraq. Then I committed the most horrible mistake of my life, and ended that relationship.

I think of what it cost me now, and think I am the world's biggest fool. She is still my best friend in the world, and I would do anything for her. She has been going through health troubles though, and I am there as much as I can be for her. I just can't help thinking though that if I hadn't been a better person then that we would be together now, and I would be physically with her to help her through these times.

I know I have told her many times how special she is to me, but hopefully she will read these words here and they will have a little more impact. The times we have shared together are the happiest memories of my life, and there is nothing that I would ever trade for them. I remember when she used to get mad at me for the gifts I bought her, but then I remember the same smiles and joy those gifts brought to us.

No matter what you think my dear. You are not alone in this, I love you and I will be here for you.

M

Unbelievable

My mind keeps racing, my thoughts are on fire with you. I can't stop thinking of what we shared this morning, and it is unbelievable.

The feeling of what you gave me is an amazing one, and one that I will treasure. It will go into my memories with things like our first kiss, or watching it snow uphill. Moments that we have shared that I could never forget, and that will be forever with me as cherished moments in my life.

I love, I love you, I love you...I can't say it enough right now. I just wish I could be sayign it to you as I held you. I hope that you are sleeping peacefully as I write this, even dreaming of what we shared. You are the most amazing woman in the world, and I thank God for having given you a place in my life. Every moment I have with you is a blessing to me.

I love you

I screwed up

I haven't slept tonight, I have been thinking of you all night. I want to say I am sorry to you so bad, because I want to explain to you about last night. I was gearing myself up for talking to Jennifer about the job and the boys.

I really do want this job, and there are a lot of reasons. The biggest reason is it would give me the chance to get back to doing something that I love. So that I don't let myself fall back into just existing each day. I don't ever want to look at a picture or in the mirror to shave and see him looking at me, because I hate him more than anything.

I wanted it for us at the same time. The education benefits that come with the job are too good to pass up. I am hoping and praying for it for a lot of reasons. The biggest one is that I started the process yesterday to have my military coursework and life experiences transferred over into a civilian transcript. With the work I have already done, I am actually looking at the possibility of having two degrees. One in criminal justice, and the other in engineering. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have had the courage to even begin this process.

I want this so that I can give me, you and the boys even more opportunities. You showed me that I do have it inside me, and you know what it is time to get it out of me. I realise I am getting kind of a late start, but I also have a good head start with my military coursework. In all honesty, it would always leave me with 2 options for working. Both of them doing things that I love. There is that third option, but until I convince you to do the electrical side of my visions come to life it just wouldn't be as much fun.

I love you, and I hope you can forgive me.