Disappearances

I haven't been around this week, because I have been out of my medicines thanks to my wonderful doctors at the VA. I love you, but right now I have been so toxic the last few days that I am scared of hurting you. My new doctor also got the bright idea to try a new prescription with me adderall? He said it is supposed to help with my focus, and yeah I am thinking he is the world's biggest dumbass. It is used for kids with ADD, but if you look here you will see crazy meds review of it. Just what you need to give someone who doesn't have the ability to sleep without the use of prescription sleeping pills or going till their bodies crashes from exhaustion. Between that and waiting for my refills of my sleeping pills and paxil, I managed to go from late Tuesday night till Saturday evening before my body just collapsed. this is the most coherent I have been in that time. Which really scares me because I don't remember yesterday, I know the boys went with Jennifer on Friday for Mother's Day and I have been on the go all the time since. I just don't know what I did? I also have to look up hypomania which I found is a side effect of Paxil and not being weaned off it along with some other less fun things that I am not going to go there.

I am not sure about anything anymore, and it is scaring me more and more. I know where you have been lately with your own health, and the stupidity I am capable of on my own normally is something you don't need to deal with when I don't have my medicines.

I really do wish I had the magic wand or a time machine. If I could do it over as I see things around me now, I would never have gone to Iraq or not come home...lol...I watch the news everyday and I did it for nothing. People are too stupid to see it, and for what was here at home the cost has never been worth me or the kid. In 4 more weeks it will be 4 years, and why did we all do it?

I had someone tell me the other day when I went out to the store as I stopped at one of my local haunts that they were tired of hearing about servicemen. I just sat and listened as they said there is nothing special about them that they are just normal people. I exploded then and told them that yeah we are normal, but we are the ones who shed our fucking blood and suffer the injuries and do the dying that they won't stand up and fucking do. I told them we are less than 1% of the population that have the courage to do what they won't do, and yet they still insult us or tell us we are cruel or inhuman for the things we have done.

They don't understand the price we pay for them. They don't see the kid that I loved or all the others, the things they gave up and never got to have. Not to mention the ones who loved them that pay that price every day remembering them, and learning to carry on with their lives without them.