I never should have made it this
Far. I don't know why I've kept
Going, it just adds more problems
The longer I go on. I think of those
Who quit, and I understand why...

The PTSD and TBI were the start
Of it all. The migraines and the
Nightmares were the first troubles.
Sleepless nights and days filled with
Agonizing pain were the life I knew.

Then was my heart, and the doctor
Who said I was fine. Then to find
Out that I was literally on the edge
Of dying. God cursed me and kept
Me alive to fix it so life could go on.

Pancreatitis was next and a year of
Miserable pain spending half of every
Month in hospital. Drugged out of my
Mind to be able to deal with the pain
Surgery sort of fixed it but not really.

Then came the chronic pancreatitis and
EPI. Finding out I would need to take the
Enzymes because it was too long and the
Damage was permanent. Back to being
In and out of hospital every few months.

During this time, I lost my soul to the oxy
And morphine that I needed to survive.
I became a shell of a person, and just existed
Day by day. I didn't even comprehend what
Was happening while everyone else saw it.

Finally, has come the diabetes and all that it
Gives me to look forward to. Losing my toes
Or foot, maybe a leg up to the knee? Fuck it,
I don't want to keep going this way anymore.
I give up, I've fought my fight and I've lost.

It's time to cease the struggle, because that's
All my existence is. I ran out of strength and
I don't want to struggle any more. It's time to
Surrender and be done. I'm sorry for those I
Leave behind. I wish this wouldn't hurt you.

Good-bye my friends

FACES IN THE DARK

I see your faces most nights in 

My dreams. You won't ever be

Forgotten, and I'm not the only

One. Your families, friends and 

All who served feel your loss.

I face those demons, and I have 

Been so close as well. I tell others

To call, but I didn't either. I just

Managed to bring myself back 

From the edge. I was just lucky.

Remember, if you read this that 

There are people who love and 

Care for you. Don't ever believe 

That you're bothering us, it's 

That Demon and he is a liar.

If it's four a.m., then call, and we 

Can go get breakfast. I'll stay

Up all night, whatever you need.

The oath we swore had a hidden 

one that made us Brothers for life.

I know if I need it you will do it

For me. Just call me, and let me 

Do it for you. I'll take a sleepless

Night over not having you around.

If you're reading this it applies t you.

I don't know what's happening to me. I used to think I was normal, but everyday I am like Jekyll and Hyde. Most everyone sees me as a nice guy, but my wife knows the monster that lurks inside. She knows the fear that he invokes, and the terror that he instills. He isn't one to hurt physically, all his wounds are hidden on the psyche. He belittles, berates and abuses; and God help her if she tries to reason or to argues with him.

She calls him "Soldier Guy", and he is a perfect one. His only goal is to destroy anything that is in his path, and if he finds a weakness then you can be sure that he will use it against you. I never remember him being a part of me until about 4 years ago, but maybe he was part of the professional soldier in me. After I retired maybe he got locked away until he decided that he wanted back out to cause more mischief, mayhem and destruction.