I screwed up

I haven't slept tonight, I have been thinking of you all night. I want to say I am sorry to you so bad, because I want to explain to you about last night. I was gearing myself up for talking to Jennifer about the job and the boys.

I really do want this job, and there are a lot of reasons. The biggest reason is it would give me the chance to get back to doing something that I love. So that I don't let myself fall back into just existing each day. I don't ever want to look at a picture or in the mirror to shave and see him looking at me, because I hate him more than anything.

I wanted it for us at the same time. The education benefits that come with the job are too good to pass up. I am hoping and praying for it for a lot of reasons. The biggest one is that I started the process yesterday to have my military coursework and life experiences transferred over into a civilian transcript. With the work I have already done, I am actually looking at the possibility of having two degrees. One in criminal justice, and the other in engineering. If it weren't for you I wouldn't have had the courage to even begin this process.

I want this so that I can give me, you and the boys even more opportunities. You showed me that I do have it inside me, and you know what it is time to get it out of me. I realise I am getting kind of a late start, but I also have a good head start with my military coursework. In all honesty, it would always leave me with 2 options for working. Both of them doing things that I love. There is that third option, but until I convince you to do the electrical side of my visions come to life it just wouldn't be as much fun.

I love you, and I hope you can forgive me.